Before I began this blog, I knew I wanted to post a "before" picture of me. In doing so, I learned just how big I was: I didn't even want my picture taken.  It was very difficult to find any pictures of me.  And if I could, there was usually a strategically placed kid with my firm grasp on their shoulder to ensure they stay put.  It makes me sad: according to pictures, I barely exist in my kids' lives.

But not anymore.  Now I have many pictures with the kids and the only reason they are in front of me is because I'm still taller (well, taller than two of the four).  There are even pictures of me and my sweet hubby, or me and one of the kids, or --gasp-- just me!  There are probably more pictures  taken of me in the last six months than I've had taken in the last 15 years.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  I agree.  My "before" pictures reveal the insecurity I always said I didn't have, the pain I said didn't bother me, the shame I swept under the rug, and the fun I was missing.  My "after (although I'm still not at my goal)" pictures reveal a new confidence: confidence that the path I have chosen to make better choices and increase my quality of life have been the right ones.

The last few years have held many changes personally: job loss, going back to school, getting divorced, getting remarried, having a baby, getting more involved at church, graduating from school, raising kids, and so much more. The last few years have held many changes physically: weight gain (I reached 345 pounds), having a baby (although I didn't gain during this time, but it's amazing the havoc a fourth pregnancy does to the body), and losing more than 130 pounds.

As each day unfolds, I find something new about being thinner.  For example, I didn't know I had collarbones (well, I knew, but I never really knew they were there.  This is a story for later), necklaces aren't supposed to be chokers, rings shouldn't make your fingers turn purple, and "batwings" are badges of honor (another story for another day).

While my physical transformation is evident to most people, my inner transformation is what I am most proud.  I finally feel like the person I've always wanted to be.  My weight was my fortress; a fortress strong enough to change what was happening on the inside.  A fortress strong enough to keep the people closest to me away and strangers even farther.  But now the fortress has opened its gates and the drawbridge has been lowered.  Why haven't I knocked the walls of the fortress down completely?  Because I still have much to learn in this journey of being smaller.  Opening the gates is an invitation and the drawbridge allows limited access.  While I know so much about me has changed, there is still a small part of me who wants to crank the chains and pull the drawbridge up. But from what I can tell, the bridge is down for good.  I am truly comfortable with letting people in and I like how that feels.

So now the real question - Why did I wait so long? Time? Money? Kids? Job? I don't have any of those things, except for kids.  The kids were a big motivator for me to begin this transformation (physical and emotional/mental), but I know the true motivator was me.  I was the only thing standing in my way.  I was the only person standing in my way.  I was the only excuse standing in my way.  But no more - I am the reason I have succeeded and I am the reason I will continue to succeed.  A few years ago I couldn't have said that; it sounded so conceited.  But it's true - I am the problem and the solution.  There is no more "waiting" in my life.  I take charge, I make changes, and I control my destiny.  I was the reason I waited....and the reason I "weight-ed".




I plan to use this blog to track my observations, provide insight, post goofy stuff my kids say about me (there's LOTS of that), and hopefully inspire at least one person to find it within themselves to make the changes in their life that are necessary for them to become the person they truly want to be, whether that be a physical or emotional change.  I'm not a guru, just a woman on a journey.  A journey I waited too long to begin.  A journey on which I have learned much.  A journey on which I will always learn.

(And since I finally found a picture of me alone - my wedding day last year - I thought I should post it.  I'm amazed at how much I've changed since then.  I hardly recognize myself).